COFFIN FUCK — The 12 Days of Christmas (review)

COFFIN FUCK — The 12 Days of Christmas album cover Single · 2016 · Death Metal Buy this album from MMA partners
3/5 ·
Vim Fuego
It must be Christmas. All the signs are there. The shops are full of people emptying their wallets on junk which seems life-affirmingly important today, but will be forgotten or broken by New Year. All the good TV programs have done their dash for the year, and there are endless repeats of pointless drivel in their place. The roads are infested with homicidal maniacs intent on causing vehicular devastation. And Coffin Fuck has dropped yet another Christmas single.

For more than a decade, this New Jersey three piece have been churning out an annual dose of death metal yuletide fare. Past offerings have included the already irreverent “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”, “Deck The Halls”, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”, and “Jingle Bells”.* This year’s mangled melody? “The 12 Days of Christmas”.

It starts with a creepy sample about a demonic Santa who’s out to punish naughty children of all ages. “You see Santy Claus tonight boy, you better run, you better run for your life!”

And then in rumbles the music. The music? Well, it vaguely resembles the actual song in question, with the addition of blast beats, double kick drums, guttural vocals, guitar squeals, and a breakdown every time Mandroid gargles “Five golden rings”. It’s never going to win awards for originality or quality of composition, but hey, what are you really expecting from a death metal version of a Christmas song?

Coffin Fuck should raise a smile from all but the most jaded death metal fans, and there is always the entertaining look of horror on your Granny’s face if you can slip this in among the more traditional Christmas carols.

*On a side note, check out the lyrics to “Jingle Bells”. The song is not actually a Christmas song at all!
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