siLLy puPPy Pornogrind certainly has to have the lowest nutritional value of any kind of metal. It’s white bread and basically just converts all the starch to a toxic form of sugar. It’s simply a one-trick pony but many are drawn to it for that very reason. It struts its mid-groove swagger like punk run amok and then starts every track out with cheap clips from porn flicks. The musicianship is substandard and the themes do not tackle any existential quandaries of the universe.

ANAL GRIND originated in Navapolatsk, Belarus before relocating to Moscow where the band has found a small but eager audience ready to hear this stuff. ANAL GRIND released several released starting with the promotional demo “Cuntripping” in 2006 and are still active to this very day. This album CHRONIC PORNOHOLIC was one of the easiest to sample but i would guess that every release pretty much sounds the same because most of this shit usually does!

This release features 20 tracks at around 40 1/2 minutes making them all about 2 minutes average which is typical for many of the core subs. Graced with attacks like “Latina Face Fucking,” “Spermaholic Slutfest” and “Nice Cunt Expansion,” ANAL GRIND does a great job in dreaming up adolescent male track titles and doesn’t even do a bad job with its chugga chug grind style. On top of piggy squeals are some other vocal appearances that often sound cartoonish in how they go up and down scales.

“Hell’s Balls” is particularly amusing as it’s a parody of the AC/DC song and it goes without saying that pornogrind in general is designed for comedic value because it’s absolutely impossible to take any of it seriously for even a microsecond. The album actually feels like a grind version of rock and roll as it has that bounce however and it’s not a bad sound. It’s just unfortunate that the majority of the tracks sound exactly the same as the next.

Still waiting for a pornogrind album that’s actually creative and sophisticated but it doesn’t seem likely that majorly talented musicians would be attracted to this little cesspool in the the greater metal universe. Probably my least favorite style of metal, not due to the subject matter but for the lack of innovation and entertainment value. ANAL GRIND does nothing to change my opinion on that matter. Some of the videos are fun though. Lots of pyromania, vomiting, tits and screaming! Oh yeah! Actually better than a lot of pornogrind but still fairly average for grind.

Vim Fuego With a band name like Cock and Ball Torture, you know you’re not going to get high art, but you can reasonably expect something extreme and nasty. “Sadochismo” is extreme and nasty, but not how you’d normally expect.

The opening track is called “Where Girls Learn To Piss On Command”. Right, nasty enough sounding so far. The first riff has something of a steady groove, and feels like it’s preparing to burst into something heavier and faster. Waiting... there’s the cum-gargling vocals. Can’t understand a thing because they are pitch-shifted to monstrous levels. Waiting... yes, there’s the double time section, and here comes the blast beat... waiting... waiting... more double time, surely it’s time for the blast beat... waiting. And that’s the end of the song. What?

OK, second track “Heterosexual Testosterone Compressor”, here we go. Ominous riff, feels like it’s building to something. There’s the horny grumbling crocodile vocals again. Oh good, a double time section… and an impending bla... nope, slowed down again. Ooh, a massive breakdown. Surely it’s time for a blast beat. Waiting... OK, double time, yes, yes, yes... no, no, no... hmm... finished again without the orgasmic release of a blast beat.

In the world of modern home-made porn, this is known as edging, or prick teasing in the old days. The victim is aroused to the edge of climax, and then... stimulation is withdrawn and they deflate again, as it were. The delicious torment continues, building to a massive, gushing, shuddering release of pleasure and ecstasy... but it never arrives. Nope. This entire mostly mid-paced album is without blastbeats!

There are other sorts of extremity on show though. “Instant Onanizer” is the most unsettling track here. Have you ever seen a Japanese porno? If not, don’t go out searching for it online. Let’s just say that female participants do not enjoy these movies. So of course, these sickos have a sample from such a flick (no, it’s not a fucking snuff movie. Even perverts have standards!). Domination and humiliation are the main objective here. You’ll either be disgusted or aroused, or disgusted that you’re aroused. And then there’s a few seconds of music.

None of this album is a comfortable listen in any way, but at the same time is somewhat hypnotic. The three-piece band do hit massive grooves, and it’s speaker-wreckingly heavy at times. The song titles are amusingly filthy – “Kamikaze Incest”, “Aphrodisianus” or “Cellulite Convoy” anyone? And the lyrics are probably along a similar line, but who the fuck can tell? Pornogrind’s most extreme element is also it’s weakest – the vocals. Yes, the voice is another instrument, and is as distorted as the other instruments, but that also renders it a bit useless to convey anything other than sound shapes. This is the reason John Tardy originally didn’t have set lyrics to Obituary’s songs. He wanted to make the right noises for the songs, and the words didn’t matter. Unfortunately, Sascha’s sicko gurgling don’t compare to Tardy in the slightest. Oh well, at least it sounds extreme as fuck.

The other problem with playing heavy and extreme is that there’s little variety in the songs. True, it’s a pretty good initial sound, but there’s little to differentiate between “Enema Bulldozer” and “G-spot Gigolo” (couldn’t resist another couple of song titles!). There’s not even a lot of variation in tempo.

In the end, this album leaves you with a case of grindcore blue balls (or the equivalent organ, whatever your gender orientation). It teases, titillates, and tortures, but ultimately doesn’t deliver.

siLLy puPPy Grindcore was only beginning in the mid-80s with bands like Carcass and Napalm Death mixing crust punk with thrash metal and making it even more extreme. While characterized by fast tempos and distorted chromatic riffing with incessant blast beats, the style also became known for its depraved subject matter which focused on everything from gore and forensic pathology to death and rape. While the this style was just getting started, the California based MEAT SHITS took it a completely different direction. Away from the morbidity and into the porn industry.

The band formed in 1987 and released a crap load of demos and split releases with PORNOHOLIC emerging as the first EP. With little musical talent amongst the members, MEAT SHITS had a different strategy. Simply shock the fucking shit outa everyone by being as offensive, politically incorrect and obscene as possible. With themes that ranged from violence against women and gays to sex with children and the dead, it’s no wonder that this band made a lot of people’s SHIT list.

MEAT SHITS pretty much follows a simple formula. Take samples of porn movies and mix in heavy violent grindcore riffing with unintelligible grunts. The songs are rather short and to the point but since there is no point they whizz by like swarm of abrasive locusts. While only 12 minutes in length, the EP has 90 tracks. To be honest i’m not really sure where they begin and end because it doesn’t sound like 90 tracks unless the video is incomplete.

This was pretty much the beginning of the pornogrind subgenre of grindcore. MEAT SHITS would continue to crank out a slew of offensive EPs and albums with their full-length “Fuck Frenzy” emerging in 1992. This is fun to listen to once but it’s really bad music with really bad porn samples. I personally don’t find any appeal in this but for all you sickies out there who can’t get enough porn in your music, then this one’s for you.

Oh yeah!

Septic Vomit on vocals

Fart Box on guitars

Cunt Slime on bass

Sphincter Boil on drums

Vim Fuego Extreme metal is far harder to penetrate than mainstream musical genres, but there are often gateway albums which open a genre for the innocent novice, before snaring them with something far more potent and addictive.

The gateway into thrash metal is often Metallica’s “Master of Puppets”. Death metal has Death’s “Leprosy”, or perhaps Carcass’ “Heartwork” for the more melodic end of the genre. Even grindcore has Brutal Truth’s “Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses” and Napalm Death’s “Harmony Corruption”.

Pornogrind though, has always been impenetrable to all but the most adventurous or most deviant of fans. Whether it’s the sado-sophistication of Cock and Ball Torture, the brutalized fuck tales of Spasm, or the puke-inducing pornographic barbarity of Necrocannibalistic Vomitorium’s artwork, pornogrind isn’t exactly inviting to the uninitiated.

But now, Porky Vagina has done the music world a great favour and released “Astroschwein”. Yes, the porky Polish pig pervs are back, and they have created an album which combines symphonies of sexual sickness with a plethora of tangential musical styles, while managing to infuse it with an accessibility usually unheard of in any musical genre with the syllable “grind” anywhere in its name.

The album kicks off with “Chlew i Honor”, a song with a revved up Spaghetti Western theme intro, which morphs into some good old gory grind, complete with machine gun programmed drums. There’s some odd carnival-type instrumentation thrown into the mix. And this is what you are going to get for the next 36 minutes. A lot of it doesn’t make a huge lot of sense, but the boys in the band are having a hell of a good time doing it. For example, “Cebulator” featured an interlude from Grieg’s “Hall of the Mountain King”, and also segues into Soviet era martial theme.

Now, perhaps you enjoy blasting, relentless grind with phlegm-bubbling vocals from bloody start to gory finish. That’s all well and good. This is not the album for you. However, if you think musically Mr. Bungle was a bit fucking lightweight, and Mike Patton could have gargled and pig squealed a bit more, then this will be an aural orgasm.

Pornogrind, and most grindcore subgenres for that matter, are often derided for showing off little to no musical talent, sacrificing skill for brutality. These guys aren’t fucking about any more. Bukkake John, Pig Fucker and Pussy Pomper have some serious musical chops, constructing schizoid songs heavy enough to smash your skull in.

This is not a full-on pornogrind album by the strictest definition of the genre, but most fans of grind, death metal, or even just the extreme end of the bizarre and unusual will find something to latch on to here. It may open up the diseased world of pornogrind to some, or it may send others running for the safety of their Dream Theater collection. There’s only one way to find out. Give it a listen.

Vim Fuego An earworm is a terrible invasive thing. It burrows in through your ear and infects your brain. Soon, it starts to ruin your concentration, looping itself over and over in your mind, driving you to distraction. There is seemingly little to do about it, short of infecting yourself with a more powerful, and hopefully less annoying melodic parasite.

Christmas time is the earworm’s prime hunting season. How often have you found yourself dreaming of a white Christmas, only to have a bunch of 80s pop stars asking if you know it’s Christmas time at all, followed by a squeaky pre-teen Michael Jackson spying on his mother and a fat bloke in a red suit, and finally yelling to yourself “Fuck off Snoopy!”, and wishing the Red Baron had just let rip with his twin 7.92 mm "Spandau" lMG 08 machine guns from his Fokker Dr.I.

Porky Vagina have another solution. Give yourself aural trichinosis with “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers”. The trichinosis worm, caught by eating undercooked pork, can cause diarrhoea, abdominal pain, and vomiting, and can later lead to swelling of the face, inflammation of the whites of the eyes, fever, muscle pains, and a rash, and further complications may include inflammation of heart muscle, central nervous system involvement, and inflammation of the lungs. Sound unpleasant? Well, it will stop you thinking about Frosty the friggin’ Snowman!

These Polish porcine porno-grind fuckers produced a little Christmas EP of cover songs mangled almost beyond belief, the perfect antidote to a yuletide hangover. “Jingle Balls” (yes, balls, not bells!) is grunted and burped by a rutting boar, and has an incredible blast beat. Or at least, an incredibly inappropriate blast beat. And it is only 38 seconds long. Yes, this little EP was produced by a couple of diseased minds in Bukkake John and Pigfucker, and the humour is almost as under-developed and immature as the music.

“Maciora Walc”, which translates to “Sow’s Waltz”, is that rarest of things in porno-grind, and probably grindcore in general, an actual 3/4 timed waltz! With a blast beat. “Piggy Rangers” is a juvenile cover of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers theme song. With a blast beat. “Vaginaganza” is a reinterpretation of the “Bonanza” theme song. With a blast beat. “Genital March” is a bacon-flavoured reworking of John Williams’ majestic “Imperial March” from Star Wars, and just for a change, no blast beat.

There are two Excrementory Grindfuckers covers, “Final Grinddown” and “I Like My Grindcore”, which were originally covers themselves. Even the kings of rock and pop can’t escape Porky Vagina’s hamming it up, with both “Jailhouse Rock” (“Jailhouse Fuck”) and “Smooth Criminal” (“Snoochie Boochie Smooth Vaginal”) getting a full on, unlubricated buggering.

Bukkake John and Pigfucker jam an absolute shitload of silliness and grindcore mischief into eight and a half minutes of what should only be loosely described as music, but fuck it, it’s infectiously likeable, and filthily funny. Give “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers” a go and instead of the usual schmaltzy earworm rattling around in your head, a Polish parasite residing in your brain will be compelling you to grunt and squeal “Jingle Balls” instead.