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Young Person's guide to metal

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Sean Trane View Drop Down
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    Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 6:59am
Much in the light of the 50 ways to annoy the metalheads, I composed this list a few years back and had postedf it in ProgArchives, so I know Raff won't mind if I post it hereSmile.
 
Now that Lordi has won Eurovision (a few years ago), I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since they are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?
So, here goes the differences:

HEAVY METAL:
The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess
SPEED METAL
Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess
HARD ROCK
Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon
BLACK METAL
Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan
SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL
Ditto but with more finesse
HAIR METAL
Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon
FOLK METAL
Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true loveís eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids
INDUS METAL
Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castleís security
DEATH METAL
Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess
BRUTAL DEATH METAL
Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess
DOOM METAL
Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions
ALTERNATIVE METAL
Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves.
VIKING METAL
Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer
GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princessís dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the bandís drummer to come in and save her
PROGMETAL
Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight
ATHMOSPHERIC METAL
Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight.
GLAM METAL
Knights comes in dressed up like a [#&@?!] and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princessís make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink
GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves
GORE METAL
Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess
NEO METAL
Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes w**k off in the forest
TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style)
Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon
TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style)
Knight comes in,  starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly

After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration.


Edited by Sean Trane - 09 Apr 2010 at 7:00am
my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicted musicians to crazy ones....



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micky View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote micky Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 7:05am
hahhahah   I remember that...  was one of the classic.. and funniest posts ever on PA's ClapClap
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micky View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote micky Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Apr 2010 at 7:12am
hahhaha...  god those are frickin  hilarious..
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Sean Trane View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sean Trane Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Apr 2010 at 5:43pm
mmmmhhh
Smile
 
one of three in my seriesof Young Person's Guide serie published in PA


Edited by Sean Trane - 10 Apr 2010 at 5:44pm
my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicted musicians to crazy ones....



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Time Signature View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Time Signature Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2010 at 6:45pm
That's class! :-)
 
Can you post links to the two other guides here? I can't find them in PA.
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AtomicCrimsonRush View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AtomicCrimsonRush Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jun 2010 at 2:20am
Beautiful
 
Love this
 
GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princessís dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the bandís drummer to come in and save her
PROGMETAL
Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight

 
GLAM METAL!
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