50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead

I can tell you what pisses me off as a Progressive Metalhead - when fans of other Progressive sub-genres say that Progressive Metal isn't really progressive.  Like it's ol' drunk-cousin-Bob-the-screw-up or something.  I have a theory that as far as Progressive music is going, these days Prog Metal is doing better on average (in the monetary sense, and as far as the number of new bands that pop up every year) than any other sub-genre...which, none of them are doing that well anyways so what does it matter, but still...

dtguitarfan wrote: I can tell you what pisses me off as a Progressive Metalhead - when fans of other Progressive sub-genres say that Progressive Metal isn't really progressive.  Like it's ol' drunk-cousin-Bob-the-screw-up or something.  I have a theory that as far as Progressive music is going, these days Prog Metal is doing better on average (in the monetary sense, and as far as the number of new bands that pop up every year) than any other sub-genre...which, none of them are doing that well anyways so what does it matter, but still...

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately (not much else to do while I'm sitting in traffic en route to college every day).  Like, what makes a progressive metal band or album progressive?  I can tell you for certain that if a band is copying Dream Theater or Fates Warning note-for-note and calling their music progressive just because the aforementioned bands are considered as such, well, I'd disagree with that.  If we try to assign the term "progressive metal" a criteria like "progressive metal usually features distorted guitars, long tracks, odd time signatures, and extended instrumental sections," then isn't that contradicting the idea of the music being progressive in the first place?  What boundaries are being pushed when some new band re-writes Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence for the 1,000th time?  I mean, that's gonna happen in any genre, but at least the Helloween clones aren't claiming that their "I Want Out" tributes are progressive.  Of course, this doesn't mean that the music can't still be good, and I realize I'm just arguing semantics and nobody wants to touch that can of worms, but it's just something I want to put out there.

Oh, and a lot of the people at Prog Archives are just as bad as the guys who run Metal Archives as far as pigeonholing and stubbornness go.

dtguitarfan wrote: But here's the thing, Diogenes - you can't define a musical genre by such ambiguous terms as being "new".  PA doesn't even do they - they have a definition that they go by there, and it's written up here.  Notice it mentions many of the same things you just mentioned - odd time signatures, extended instrumental sections, etc.  I think the most elegant definition of Progressive music was provided by Keith Emerson: "It is music that does progress. It takes an idea and develops it, rather than just repeat it. Pop songs are about repetition and riffs and simplicity. Progressive music takes a riff, turns it inside out, plays it upside down and the other way around, and explores its potential." The problem with defining the genre as "new" is this - NOTHING in music is new.  Unless you take it all the way back to the caveman Ug Nok Ok who was the first person to blow into a seashell, making the first notes, every piece of music has influences.  Actually, even Ug Nok Ok had influences!  He was influenced by the bird songs!  So even he was not doing anything "new"! Actually, even using the word "progressive" outside of music doesn't work like that - for example: say I had a boss who strove to treat everyone equally, whether they be man or woman, white or black, born with the use of all of their limbs or handicapped.  You might say this boss was very progressive - does this mean that no boss in the history of ever has ever tried to treat all people under him/her equally? Ok, off topic - sorry!  Getting off my soap box now.

All fair points-especially the bolded-but I never used the word "new" when talking about the genre itself.  Of course no music is going to be completely new and revolutionary.  But even when using your definition and Emerson's, I still can't help but feel that a lot of progressive metal bands have been mislabeled.  At some point, aren't those riffs going to be explored and turned inside out enough where those explorations aren't really fulfilling of the artist's intent?  I understand that the word "progressive" in this case means something totally different than it might elsewhere, but even in a genre classified as such, you're going to run into limits eventually regardless of what you define it as.  It's really a fascinating topic to think about.

Anyway, I can definitely tell you've had this conversation before!


Edited by Diogenes - 04 Oct 2012 at 3:17pm

Wilytank wrote: Here's another issue with that: you can turn a riff inside out several times?  What happens when they do that so many times that it actually sounds more annoying than anything?  And believe me, that has happened already.

Oh, you must be talking about one of those Black Metal albums, right? 


THAT, my friends, is how you annoy a metalhead....

Please be advised that the following methods and dark humor remarks are not to be taken seriously (though they should be said in the exact same way, even if they are incorrect, or make no sense at all).
And I can tell you from experience that some of them can REALLY piss off a die hard metal fan. Don`t believe me? try it!

 Here`s how it goes... take a deep breath gentlemen .. And now...
I have found that the easiest way to piss off a COF fan is to mention Dani Filth and Ville Valo, the same sentence or reference. And, no, there is no logic in this. But it works every time. Though another good example to piss off a metal fan is to pretend to be dumb, and compare between Iron Maiden and Kamelot - claiming  that all British vocalists sound the same (even though Kamelot are not British), and that Bruce Dickinson should have called it quits after the "Brave New World" album. You can also add to that, that Roy Khan is a wannabe enlightened, totally washed up, Jesus freak, and a has been. That he should have stopped singing after "Karma". And you can top it off by saying that Tommy Karevik is nothing but a down-rated clone version of Khan who only joined Kamlot because his own band wasn't making enough money. You know - to support his drug habit. And if your into the hard stuff... you can also say that "In Flames" never should have made it past "Jester Race", and that bands like "Arch Enemy" are on the same level as "The Agonist". Same goes for "Nirvana" and "Nightwish". And if you wanna get down and dirty and start up a fight, you can always say that Dave Mustaine was better off doing drugs, and that Hetfield should go back to drinking. Just tell them: "what? do you really think that "Master Of Puppets" happened by accident?". And if your already on the subject of Metallica, be sure to point out that "S&M" was a mistake, and that Lars sounds and acts like an obnoxious little girl / midget person, hooked on a caffeine rush. You can also add that the only reason he that he and Kirk are still in the band, is because everyone is afraid of what may become them if they ever get kicked out. I mean, its not like their going to become music teachers, right? also. Don`t forget to say that Rob looks like he doesn't know how to read. And while your on the subject of discussing illiteracy and academic failures, don`t forget to point out Kirk`s again, and his impressive set of 5$ wigs. Oh. And, speaking of hair dues (or should I say, lack of them), don`t forget to come up with a coughed up story about why you are convinced that  David Draiman joined Disturbed only because of a Make a Wish foundation (you know, because he`s bold, and therefore, must have cancer). And if all of THIS hasn't worked for you... you can always say that you think that bands like "Bullet For My Valentine" and "Evanescence" are the proper future of heavy metal. Oh. And that Linkin Park sounds better today, and that Luca Turilli stopped giving a shit after "Dragon Force" (I know what your thinking. Wait for it). And than say: "No. Wait. Or was is "Dragon Flame" something? gosh. I can never tell. They always write about the same stuff and recycle the same ideas, anyhow. So why keep track? I mean... everyone knows that dragons are for pedophiles and that knights are for geeks. So why bother? "Rhapsody".. "Rhapsody Of Fire".. Was that name really that stupid, that they had to change it? its hard to tell. All those Tinkerbell looking bastards sound the same, anyway. "Symphony X" rejects, the lot of em. Though I will always find it amusing that "Rage" sound like Sonata Arctica, only on steroids. Wait! is that why "Unia" sucked? I dunno really. Though ive heard an odd claim that some people back in the early 80`s invented sub genres for death metal. You know, as if you could tell them apart. Though regardless Ive always loved the name `melodic death metal`. I think that its a very cute and progressive idea. I love it how those `noise artists` add keys or some harmonies, tune everything on drop B or C, then add a million types of the same distortion to everything, and  then call it it melodic. Its like taking a shit on a an already blank piece of paper, and then calling it a Picasso. Its like watching a redneck discovering an abortion clinic - its priceless!"

And!... no. I think that`s enough.
These are just bad jokes, most of which I made up on the spot.
Please don`t stone me lol.


Edited by VX - 04 Feb 2013 at 11:44pm

If someone plays a autotuned song in the radio...Grahhh!
Daft Punk...Robin Thicke....shit like that..

Morningrise wrote: 1. Tell them every metal band worships the devil.  2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.  3. Hide their joint under their library card.  4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.  5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.  6. Say it's all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.  7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.  8. Vaguely imply that you're gay and would like their company for the evening.  9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.  10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.  11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little.  12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.  13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now (insert any mainstream band here), those guys have talent!"  14. Say "What is vinyl?"  15. Point out how homosexual Manowar is. If they agree, tell them the only thing more homosexual is Black Sabbath with Dio.  16. Tell them it all sounds the same.  17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.  18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.  19. Tell them you like underground music too, like (insert the newest overhyped fashionable loud-ish band from the radio)  20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.  21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.  22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.  23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.  24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.  25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.  26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder nutss all over John Arch.  27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.  28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.  29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.  30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.  31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.  32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.  33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.  34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.  35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.  36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.  37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.  38. Call Doro fat.  39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.  40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being w**ggers.  41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.  42. If it's a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don't correct yourself about it.  43 .Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.  44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album.  45. Notice that Lemmy hasn't moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass.  46. Refer to metal as "that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff."  47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.  48. Pine for the good old days when Pour Some Sugar On Me was a big hit.  49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like (insert any band at all here)  50. Post a list of "Ways To Annoy Metal Fans" knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can't take a joke.   Can you come up with another ways??

Edited by ProgMetaller2112 - 28 Aug 2014 at 10:43pm