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Kingcrimsonprog
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Topic: Anybody know any jokes? Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 12:51pm |
As in not memes, not practical jokes, just jokes you can tell in person.
Anyone know any good ones ?
Edited by Kingcrimsonprog - 24 Jul 2012 at 12:51pm
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My Blog: http://kingcrimsonprog.wordpress.com/
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Doomster
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Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 1:21pm |
What's the difference between cars and dead bodies?
There's no cars in my garage.
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IMPF2112
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Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 2:32pm |
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Bob had a Bubbles bath.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door
Edited by IMPF2112 - 24 Jul 2012 at 2:33pm
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Colt
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Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 3:53am |
Why I'm divorced . . �..
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy
Birthday.' I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a
word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning
Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You
know,
It's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say
we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose
instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis
each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful
day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me
and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a
huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing
'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the
couch....
Naked!
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Colt
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Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 3:59am |
A tad
long but just soooo soooo funny!!
Pocket
Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat
in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge
of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute
really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to
say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second
burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .........
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens
me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!
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Triceratopsoil
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Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 5:44pm |
Now? A joke? Uh... um, uh... A joke. Yeah, alright. Um... There's these,
uh, three guys, uh... a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.
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Wilytank
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Posted: 26 Jul 2012 at 9:36pm |
From George Carlin (may be slightly paraphrased, I'm reciting these from memory:
"You see a really fat lady and there's one thing you think of: 'how does that woman take a shit?' And her husband is just as large. Probably hasn't seen his dick since the Reagan administration. And you see the two together and think 'do these people fuck?'"
"People say they get on a plane. Fuck that, I'm getting in the plane!"
"How come people who oppose abortion are the kind of people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? And they want to ban plastic guns and keep the real ones!"
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Wilytank
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Posted: 07 Aug 2012 at 9:59am |
Here's a metal joke:
What's the difference between Celtic Frost and Bathory?
One was an awesome and extremely influential extreme metal act, and the other was on a Mexican radio.
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FallingxSkies
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Posted: 29 Aug 2012 at 7:13pm |
I got one!! :D Q: What kind of milk is used in swiss cheese? A: WHOLE MILK!! had me laughing for like 5 min. when me and my sis came up with it xD
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