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Anybody know any jokes?

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Kingcrimsonprog View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kingcrimsonprog Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Anybody know any jokes?
    Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 12:51pm
As in not memes, not practical jokes, just jokes you can tell in person.

Anyone know any good ones ?


Edited by Kingcrimsonprog - 24 Jul 2012 at 12:51pm


My Blog: http://kingcrimsonprog.wordpress.com/
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Doomster View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Doomster Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 1:21pm
What's the difference between cars and dead bodies?

There's no cars in my garage.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote IMPF2112 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jul 2012 at 2:32pm
Wanna hear a clean joke?



















Bob had a Bubbles bath.














Wanna hear a dirty joke?








































Bubbles was the girl next door


Edited by IMPF2112 - 24 Jul 2012 at 2:33pm
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Colt View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Colt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 3:53am

Why I'm divorced . . �..

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..  
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me.  

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....  
Well, that's marriage for you, but
the kids....They will remember.  
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..  
So when I left for
the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.  
As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by
the way  
Happy Birthday ! '  It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.  

I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,  
It's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,  
just you and me..'  
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's
the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'  

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed
the meal tremendously.  

On
the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...  
We don't need to go straight back to
the office, do we ?'  

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment,  
it's just around
the corner..'  

 

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,  
I'm going to step into
the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'  
'Ok.' I nervously replied.  

She went into
the bedroom and after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...  Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

 

 

And I just sat there.... 

 
On the couch....

 

Naked!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Colt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 3:59am

A tad long but just soooo soooo funny!!

 

LOLLOLLOL

 

 

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All
the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .........

HOLY MO
THER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through
the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!


P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved
the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!


If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!

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Triceratopsoil View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Triceratopsoil Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2012 at 5:44pm
Now? A joke? Uh... um, uh... A joke. Yeah, alright. Um... There's these, uh, three guys, uh... a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wilytank Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jul 2012 at 9:36pm
From George Carlin (may be slightly paraphrased, I'm reciting these from memory:

"You see a really fat lady and there's one thing you think of: 'how does that woman take a shit?'
And her husband is just as large.  Probably hasn't seen his dick since the Reagan administration.
And you see the two together and think 'do these people fuck?'"

"People say they get on a plane.  Fuck that, I'm getting in the plane!"

"How come people who oppose abortion are the kind of people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?  And they want to ban plastic guns and keep the real ones!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wilytank Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Aug 2012 at 9:59am
Here's a metal joke:

What's the difference between Celtic Frost and Bathory?

One was an awesome and extremely influential extreme metal act, and the other was on a Mexican radio. Tongue
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FallingxSkies Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Aug 2012 at 7:13pm
I got one!! :D
Q: What kind of milk is used in swiss cheese?
A: WHOLE MILK!! LOL had me laughing for like 5 min. when me and my sis came up with it xD
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