J-Man In spite of the overwhelmingly negative hype that surrounds Emmure in the metal community, I felt it my obligation as a music fan to at least check out these guys before dismissing them entirely. Thus begins my experience with Felony, the third full-length album from this Connecticut-based deathcore act. In spite of my general disliking of Emmure's image and breakdown-focused style, I tried to approach Felony with an open mind free of bias. After all, approaching any album with a preconceived opinion is the number one "must-avoid" when it comes to music journalism. So you could certainly say that I tried to give Felony a fair shot - and, despite my efforts, the album turned out to be just as terrible as it's often claimed to be. I can't find anything positive to say about this entire effort... I honestly can't think of the last time that has happened. Unless uninspired breakdowns, generic riffs, and absolutely horrid vocals are what you're in search of, Felony is avoidable at all costs. This is one of the worst albums I've ever heard.

Emmure plays a style of deathcore with a heavy emphasis on breakdowns (usually consisting of only one or two notes repeated over...and over...and over again) and equally crappy vocals. Expect half-assed death growls, annoying screams, and whiny spoken word sections that are half-sung and absolutely repulsive. I think that pretty much sums up all of Felony. Every song here builds up to a breakdown, and it gets formulaic pretty damn fast. This half-hour album feels like it's over three hours thanks to its boring and repetitive nature. Not to mention the god-awful vocals that make Felony even more unlistenable.

Possibly even worse than the vocals are the awful compositions... never once have I heard songs so simplistic, formulaic, and yet still entirely unmemorable. There really aren't any great riffs on this album, and the ones that are even mildly enjoyable are soon replaced in favor of an uninspired one-note breakdown. If Emmure are actually talented musicians (which I highly doubt after hearing Felony), writing songs with exceptionally long one-note breakdowns is not going to impress anybody. I don't think I've ever heard an album with this many breakdowns... and yet I can't think of one here that doesn't make my shit-o-meter react violently. The generic guitar tones don't help enhance this aspect of the album either.

Moving onward to possibly the most hilarious aspect of Felony are the lyrics. Oh yes, Emmure is a pissed off group, and their means of expressing their anger are laughable at best. "Oh shit, what the fuck did I just do?" repeated nine times in "Sunday Bacon" doesn't fit my definition of quality lyrics. Neither does "Blue Moon bottle right across your head, I broke your face. And all you did was snitch, You little bitch" from the title track. And don't even get me started on the pathetic lyrics of "Bars of Astoria"...

In a sense, I'm glad I've heard Felony - all of the crappy music I've heard in the past now seems about five hundred times better, and all of the old school death metal classics in my collection seem even more appealing. From every other aspect, hearing Felony was a huge mistake on my part, and this is one of the most horrific musical experiences in my life thus far. Emmure does have a fairly large fanbase, though, so I guess some people must enjoy their sound. One-note breakdowns, uninspired riffs, generic productions, laughable lyrics, and horrendous vocals simply don't appeal to me very much... and I'd imagine that they don't appeal to most other music fans either. Since Felony is the one of the worst albums I've ever heard, it's finally time to play my 0.5 star card. I honest-to-god hope that I never have to hear anything this terrible for the rest of my life.

...and now I'll go listen to some Morbid Angel to cleanse my ears of this atrocity.

Wilytank No! No! No! No! NOOOOOOO! There shouldn't be anything on the same level of terribleness as Spermswamp that isn't Spermswamp! But I tried experimenting with deathcore listening and now I've taken a horribly wrong turn.

I used to read some spare Revolver magazines that a local instrument shop had. There was an advertisement for Emmure's Felony in it. There was a quote from Metal Hammer in the advertisement saying "If you like your metal uncompromisingly aggressive, this is for you." Yeah, fuck Metal Hammer, fuck Revolver, and fuck this band.

That said there really is nothing uncompromisingly aggressive about this album. All I hear is nu metal inspired deathcore with lame riffs and shitty lyrics.

All the songs seem like terrible hardcore that stays in the breakdown the entire time throughout. The song writing is terrible, and mostly consists of chugging riffs that a five year old could play on a guitar. Drums are boring too.

As for vocals, you have three flavors to choose from: standard deathcore harshness, nu metal spoken word ("Oh Shit, What the fuck did I just do?"), or totally impossible understand growling that sounds like it belongs in a gore-grind or pornogrind album (wtf?).

And as for the lyrics, I'm just going to drop this sample and let you be the judge:

"Somebody help me please. Somebody help me please. I swear to god I'll pull this trigger. Swear to god I'll pull this trigger."

At least I listened to this album on Grooveshark. There is no way in hell I'd buy the CD. If you get this album for yourself, you're a moron; and if you recieve it as a gift from someone, it means they hate you.

brb, gonna go bash my head in to try to make myself forget what I just heard.

Xaxaar This is the worst album I've heard in a while, if not ever.

This review is not so much a review as a therapeutic expression on my part. I honestly have no idea how people like this stuff. I assure you, people do actually listen to this stuff. That is depressing. The people that listen to this music are often the ones mocking bands like maudlin of the Well for making songs too "long and boring" or the people mocking new and innovative elements in music just calling it "stupid" (they usually give no other reason). The fans I've met that listen to this are among the worst of the mouth breathers. There is just no upside to this music or this album. Never mind, I take that back, the album is quite short.

First let's start with the vocals. They're one of those bands that try and be br00tal. Let me just save you the suspense and say that their growls are horrible. They're either low or high pitch, both equally terrible. The vocalist also tries to throw in some clean vocals, but it doesn't even sound like singing. Most of the time, it just ends up with him sounding like he's rapping. As you can imagine from a band like this, the lyrics just don't make sense. Half of the time they're just trying to be witty, and believe me, it's not very witty.

Next are the guitars. Equally shitty? You betcha. You cannot get less unoriginal. They come up with this painfully simple riffs [sarcasm] that are just oh-so very heavy [/sarcasm]. There is absolutely no redeeming quality for these guitars that would make me change my mind. It's just stupid and simple. Since the bass isn't worth its own paragraph, I will just say that you can barely hear it. All it does is mimic the guitars. Another unoriginal piece to the puzzle? You shouldn't be surprised...I wasn't.

Lastly are the drums. Well...he hits the snare drum on 3, hits the crash cymbals on 1, 2, 3, and 4 and he hits the bass drum whenever the guitars play a note. Yep, that's about it. Oh, sometimes he does some thing on the toms that mimics the guitar strums as well. And he does fills!...sometimes...rarely...I can't actually recall one off the top of my head, but I'm sure they're in there.

This is where I would usually review one track one by one, but I want to preserve my sanity. Just trust me. They're all bad.

Well this was a shit-fest. To summarize the review, here are the pros and cons:

Pros:



...it eventually ended.

Cons: Everything.