Vim Fuego Extreme metal is far harder to penetrate than mainstream musical genres, but there are often gateway albums which open a genre for the innocent novice, before snaring them with something far more potent and addictive.

The gateway into thrash metal is often Metallica’s “Master of Puppets”. Death metal has Death’s “Leprosy”, or perhaps Carcass’ “Heartwork” for the more melodic end of the genre. Even grindcore has Brutal Truth’s “Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses” and Napalm Death’s “Harmony Corruption”.

Pornogrind though, has always been impenetrable to all but the most adventurous or most deviant of fans. Whether it’s the sado-sophistication of Cock and Ball Torture, the brutalized fuck tales of Spasm, or the puke-inducing pornographic barbarity of Necrocannibalistic Vomitorium’s artwork, pornogrind isn’t exactly inviting to the uninitiated.

But now, Porky Vagina has done the music world a great favour and released “Astroschwein”. Yes, the porky Polish pig pervs are back, and they have created an album which combines symphonies of sexual sickness with a plethora of tangential musical styles, while managing to infuse it with an accessibility usually unheard of in any musical genre with the syllable “grind” anywhere in its name.

The album kicks off with “Chlew i Honor”, a song with a revved up Spaghetti Western theme intro, which morphs into some good old gory grind, complete with machine gun programmed drums. There’s some odd carnival-type instrumentation thrown into the mix. And this is what you are going to get for the next 36 minutes. A lot of it doesn’t make a huge lot of sense, but the boys in the band are having a hell of a good time doing it. For example, “Cebulator” featured an interlude from Grieg’s “Hall of the Mountain King”, and also segues into Soviet era martial theme.

Now, perhaps you enjoy blasting, relentless grind with phlegm-bubbling vocals from bloody start to gory finish. That’s all well and good. This is not the album for you. However, if you think musically Mr. Bungle was a bit fucking lightweight, and Mike Patton could have gargled and pig squealed a bit more, then this will be an aural orgasm.

Pornogrind, and most grindcore subgenres for that matter, are often derided for showing off little to no musical talent, sacrificing skill for brutality. These guys aren’t fucking about any more. Bukkake John, Pig Fucker and Pussy Pomper have some serious musical chops, constructing schizoid songs heavy enough to smash your skull in.

This is not a full-on pornogrind album by the strictest definition of the genre, but most fans of grind, death metal, or even just the extreme end of the bizarre and unusual will find something to latch on to here. It may open up the diseased world of pornogrind to some, or it may send others running for the safety of their Dream Theater collection. There’s only one way to find out. Give it a listen.

Vim Fuego An earworm is a terrible invasive thing. It burrows in through your ear and infects your brain. Soon, it starts to ruin your concentration, looping itself over and over in your mind, driving you to distraction. There is seemingly little to do about it, short of infecting yourself with a more powerful, and hopefully less annoying melodic parasite.

Christmas time is the earworm’s prime hunting season. How often have you found yourself dreaming of a white Christmas, only to have a bunch of 80s pop stars asking if you know it’s Christmas time at all, followed by a squeaky pre-teen Michael Jackson spying on his mother and a fat bloke in a red suit, and finally yelling to yourself “Fuck off Snoopy!”, and wishing the Red Baron had just let rip with his twin 7.92 mm "Spandau" lMG 08 machine guns from his Fokker Dr.I.

Porky Vagina have another solution. Give yourself aural trichinosis with “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers”. The trichinosis worm, caught by eating undercooked pork, can cause diarrhoea, abdominal pain, and vomiting, and can later lead to swelling of the face, inflammation of the whites of the eyes, fever, muscle pains, and a rash, and further complications may include inflammation of heart muscle, central nervous system involvement, and inflammation of the lungs. Sound unpleasant? Well, it will stop you thinking about Frosty the friggin’ Snowman!

These Polish porcine porno-grind fuckers produced a little Christmas EP of cover songs mangled almost beyond belief, the perfect antidote to a yuletide hangover. “Jingle Balls” (yes, balls, not bells!) is grunted and burped by a rutting boar, and has an incredible blast beat. Or at least, an incredibly inappropriate blast beat. And it is only 38 seconds long. Yes, this little EP was produced by a couple of diseased minds in Bukkake John and Pigfucker, and the humour is almost as under-developed and immature as the music.

“Maciora Walc”, which translates to “Sow’s Waltz”, is that rarest of things in porno-grind, and probably grindcore in general, an actual 3/4 timed waltz! With a blast beat. “Piggy Rangers” is a juvenile cover of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers theme song. With a blast beat. “Vaginaganza” is a reinterpretation of the “Bonanza” theme song. With a blast beat. “Genital March” is a bacon-flavoured reworking of John Williams’ majestic “Imperial March” from Star Wars, and just for a change, no blast beat.

There are two Excrementory Grindfuckers covers, “Final Grinddown” and “I Like My Grindcore”, which were originally covers themselves. Even the kings of rock and pop can’t escape Porky Vagina’s hamming it up, with both “Jailhouse Rock” (“Jailhouse Fuck”) and “Smooth Criminal” (“Snoochie Boochie Smooth Vaginal”) getting a full on, unlubricated buggering.

Bukkake John and Pigfucker jam an absolute shitload of silliness and grindcore mischief into eight and a half minutes of what should only be loosely described as music, but fuck it, it’s infectiously likeable, and filthily funny. Give “Porky Vagina Presents Christmas Special - Jingle Balls And Few Other Piggy Covers” a go and instead of the usual schmaltzy earworm rattling around in your head, a Polish parasite residing in your brain will be compelling you to grunt and squeal “Jingle Balls” instead.